I woke today in shock at the fire in my body. CRPS feels like burning lighter fluid filling and swelling every artery in your body. Muscles pulsate to electric vibrations you cannot find the source of. Shaking and weakness, fatigue and fire. The brush of a sheet sending terror to the brain and back down.
Pain formerly unspeakable.
So many hurting people. So much pain...sigh.
But.
If I stay giving weather reports of my pain to a diary or loved one, it prolongs the day and 2718 days later that gets a little boring for everyone. Its not life. Its not living. Besides, it's Thursday!
I Am healing. I know JOY in suffering. I KNOW peace.
Gratitude fills me to the top of my head and down through my body and out of my toes. Inhale the gratitude, exhale the joy. I used to hide in pain.
I would only emerge into public when I could appear "normal" ( whatever that is). I missed the love. I was looking down. Afraid to speak about my suffering and to appear negative, and also in fear of unsolicited advice or judgment, I grew detached. I was silent. Fear kept me from the compassion that was waiting. I felt intermittent joy in moments but was not fully freed to express it in my heart. I was looking sideways.
Matthew wrote on my legs to help hospital staff Understand
Today I look up. When I look down or sideways there is no lasting relief !
I look up and my body responds. I am filled with peace and comfort...and joy.
I will express that joy through the pain and this fire...It better watch out. Fire recede! Stand back. It is Thursday and my Joy is on the loose. Nothing can stop it.
Photo taken by a 3year old dressing me up at garage sale.
Joy is multiplied when shared with a friend!
I will sing at the top of my lungs...wherever I am: In my house or quietly at the hospital...to the song only I can hear in my head. "Come to Me, You're Not Alone. "
I have learned to expect the unpredictable and look for the unprecedented.
What's in store? I don't know. But I am looking up and its got to be good. It's only 8:00am! Thursday, its a gift to be unwrapped. A blank page. The beauty is in the surprise for me. I believe Good things are on their way. To me. For me. And For You.
Comfort beyond explanation or imagination WILL hit and take my breath away.
Like right now.
Deep breath.
Exhale.
Today I might see a hummingbird. Or finally catch that blue woodpecker outside my window on Instagram. Thursday, we got this. I am handing the reigns to upstairs.
Pain is unpredictable. Tears will come at night.
But joy... Joy always comes in the morning.
